Where did the time go?

My second born, Thing 2, turned 16 years old, about 18 minutes ago.

It was a wonderful day. I have such pleasant memories.

I'm struggling with where my life has come.

Remember when you wished your life away? You wanted to be nine. You wanted to be 12. You wanted to be 16, 18, 21...

Somewhere in there, there was a period that there was no thought about age. I don't remember it, I think I was too busy working hard.

Now, I've come to a time where I'm not sure how to feel! There are several ways for me to look at this...

On the one hand I want time to stop. I know how precious time is. When I look back I feel I've missed so much. My little girls - now they are women. My little boy is rapidly becoming a man. What happened? Time has to stop so I don't miss another moment of this life.

On another hand... I want time to go back. A mother holds that baby in the middle of the night. It cries, it won't stop crying, and mom wants to go to sleep. That's reality. But now... I want to go back, I want time to stop. I want to comfort that baby. I know so much more now, and I want to tell that baby that life is tough, life will always be this way, but I'll be here. I'm here now, I'll be there as long as I can, and PLEEEEEEZE go to sleep. THEN, I want to smell that baby's head. Again, again, and again. I want to hold that baby and see that miracle in my arms. I want to see it again. I want to smell it again. Let me go back.

Then another hand... I want time to move forward. I want to be responsible for ONLY ME. I want to live in an apartment - small, cozy, comfy. I want to come and go as I please. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel like I should do more. I don't want to worry (like that will ever happen again!).

BUT then, I start wishing time away! I can't wait to watch my daughters grow babies in their own bodies. I can't wait hold those babies and smell their sweet little heads. I can't wait to see those babies smile, walk, talk, and even hear them cry.

BUT, I don't want to be old! I don't want my body to change. I don't want to slow down. I don't want to be less attractive to men! I don't want to be a cliche! Ugh.

Can't fight it. Just can't fight it. Accept. That is what we must do. We can't change the past. We must do our best today, and hope for tomorrow.

SIXTEEN F'ing years ago my SECOND child was born.

It passed by in a flash, but try to tell that to a 15 year old!

That's all I've got tonight, but it feels pretty significant.

Peace.

Help Thing One Win

VOTE FOR THING 1!!!!

Thing One is competing neck and neck in a prom dress manufacturer's competition. She is in the top ten, and the finalist will be selected by internet votes. First prize is a $2500 scholarship, a trip for two to Chicago, and more.

Please, please, please help us out with a vote or several votes. If you follow the link below you can set up an account that verifies your email address, and then you can vote one time per day, per email address until July 15. Her name is Jacqu**ine Pr**hut.

http://www.jasminebridal.com/actions/prom_usa_0701/contestants.aspx?key=1008

If you know anyone that would feel good about helping a really great and deserving kid win, please pass info along to friends and family.

Help her win. She deserves it very much!

Some Things Never Change

Life has done what it does. It goes on. Life goes on.

I somehow survived the darkest, absolutely darkest, times of my life... so far. I've learned to accept that the people you think will be there - they might not be there. I've learned that people come out of freaking no where - and they are there for you.

I have a job. A job a love. How many people love their job? I don't get paid very well, I have no benefits, but a great (and I mean great) office.

I still have a home. After all the economic misery, I'm part of the fortunates that still have my home. Too many have lost their home. I don't care if people took on too much, I don't care. I just feel for people that need to work, can't find work, and their homes are worth less than they owe, and the banks don't give a crap. Even when the government kicks in a bundle, the banks squander it driving up costs. The banks have to prove that they are doing "due diligence"... all the while burning up government funds intended to go to the stuggling public. It's so damn obvious - yet, they get away with it.

I have a wonderful family. Thing One gradutated from High School. She spoke at graduation, she sang in the Honors Choir at graduation, and mad her mom so, so proud. She was beaming.
Thing 2 marches on, and in spite of having to live in the shadow of her big sister, she proves herself. She and her big sister are so different. They don't believe in the same "social class" issues that plague teens, they aren't the same when it comes to neatness, tidiness, responsibility... or anything else. I just pray that some day they will be there for each other. They are both such amazing, fabulous, wonderful people. Seriously. If you met them you would like them. Really.

Thing Three is becoming such a fun person. He is really funny! Not funny in a stupid way - funny in a really clever way. He worries me when he obsesses over video games, but then I watch him with his chickens, ducks, the rabbits, the dogs, and the cats, and I see that he has a very diverse and full childhood. A childhood that is being swallowed up by puberty.

I'm so proud. I'm very stressed, tired, over-worked, and sometimes cranky. But I'm genuinely happy. It has been a long time coming. I deserve it, and I'm appreciating it.

Things are sort of working out with the County. Can you imagine??? I'll believe it all when I see it.

I still have too many animals, in spite of losses. We've lost two of the four most recent cats. So sad. Yet, our first cat, the one that we picked out at the shelter in Connecticut, the one that drove to Chicago with me, the one that flew from Chicago to Phoenix with me... she is still here.

All four dogs are still around. I have a story, a real good one, about runaway dogs, Arizona law, and my visit to court. I'll save it - but my life is a collage of stories that make you scratch your head, I assure you.

We got a rabbit named Lilly.

Life is quite good, and I have missed my blog life. When I think of my blog life I feel warm and safe and welcome inside. I feel supported. I feel appreciative.

Thanks, and I'm so glad to be back. Back home. I have been enjoying the process of catching up, and I have plenty of that to do.

I'm so sick of it all.