I'm off the edge ... for now

Man, what a shitty day.

I spent a long time discussing things like boundaries, privacy, values, respect, what and who our choices in behavior reflect. Ugh. I'm exhausted.

I explained to my daughters that I wanted nothing left to assumption or doubt. Here is where I stand, here is what I believe, and if you choose otherwise with your life it is your business and I'll love you regardless. I'm a mom and my love is unconditional.

However, if you choose to to behave in a way that varies from where I typically stand, remember that you might not be able to get as much support from me, I might not be able to defend or protect you, and that you might very well be on your own with a great deal of personal responsibility to deal with. Get it?

Of course there was lots more with more specifics, but I made sure that I was crystal clear about where I stand. How I define "relationship", "dating", "respect", "healthy"... blah, blah, blah. Other miscellaneous points: Never lie about your age - no excuses. If you are associating with people that gossip and speak about information that you believe should remain private, stop associating pronto. If they talk about others, they'll talk about you. You can not trust people immediately, they should earn it.

I think my 14 year old actually appreciated it. She shared some perspectives about what she experienced on the cruise, and she seem relieved to have an adult she can rely upon to clearly describe boundaries, etc. I put Ms. 14 year old to work babysitting for someone tonight. In my mind, get busy and be productive.

My 16 year old is struggling. She is very angry because I refused to let her go to her best friend's birthday party, which is also a New Year's Eve party and has guests that my daughter really likes. It is an overnight deal because the mom lets the kids have drinks. (I know, I know, not cool for many people - but it has always been well supervised and within reason, in my opinion.) Anyway, she isn't going and she's pissed. She's also passed out asleep on a living room chair. Did I mention she's sleep deprived?

We went to the doctor today because I've been worried about Thing 1, anyway. She is too stressed and it is obviously taking its toll. She looks exhausted because she hasn't slept in about three days. She drove over half of the way from San Diego so that her dad could sleep, and they arrived here at about 3:00 a.m. Something is gonna break and I wanted some outside perspective.

The doctor listened and confirmed what I had thought. Thing One is growing into adulthood and is trying to carry too much adult baggage along the way. She is a perfectionist to begin with, has always been the "model kid", perfect in every way. It has become too big a burden to carry, and I understand that. Part of it is that the divorce was ugly and not handled well by either of the "adults", myself included. Yep. I admit it and I'll admit it to everyone. All of this adult baggage problem was aggravated by Mr. Ex not being an adult while they were on that cruise ship. It made Thing One almost crazy and she went bananas responding to rumors she was hearing about her little sister. Meanwhile she herself was hanging out with young, horny, asshole guys...

Realistically, Mr. Ex has very little leverage. It's easy for me to deliver consequences since I parent full-time. I also know exactly where to deliver. Mr. Ex has no control, how can he discipline effectively. That's the only break I'll give him, however.

Mr. Ex has also failed to earn his kids' respect. They came home with dozens of examples where they were embarrassed by his behavior or annoyed by his stupid habits. It is sort of funny because I recognized them as they said them. I just had to sit and smile.

My girls have told me a lot in the past 12 hours. I'm exhausted. I'm also feeling pretty good about how I'm handling it with them. However, I'm not feeling all that great about life. I'm emotionally exhausted. Not on the edge of doom, but sitting on the observation bench and trying to process how to move on, and hopefully I'll step further and further back from the edge. Hell, I might as well say probably. After all, I have these three kids to raise. I'll suck it up and move on - it's what I do.

Parenting is not easy. Parenting teenagers is not easy. Parenting alone is not easy. Parenting with an ex-spouse whose head is consistently up his ass is the worst. I remember being certain that my kids would be better off far away from their father. There were many, many people that judged me harshly for that. Many of those "lost friends" were people that thought I was a horrible person - first for the affair, then for taking my kids so far from their father. I have questioned my decision many times over the last few years. I mean, how could so many judgemental assholes be wrong?

Based on this cruise and the fallout, I know I was right. The cost has been great to enjoy the space between Mr. Ex and us. It is not ideal to be raised without your father nearby. But it is also not ideal to be consistently exposed to a parent that has the judgement of a brick and the brains of an earthworm. Worse yet is to have a father that is so emotionally broken that he does damage to anyone that gets in his path - even the ones he says he loves the most.

What I need to figure out now is why after all these years and all this time he can still cut my heart out, put in on the floor, and squash it. Why it feels like daggers when he changes the subject from finding a way to best help our children to how I'm to blame and that the "facts" are that I'm ... well, you know an unfaithful slut and an heathen.

It's not like this is new, right? I've been blogging about this for over two years. WTF? Whenever it hurts like it does I fill up with self-loathing. I can't stand myself for letting him get to me. I can't stand that he is right about how I let someone into my life while I was married and allowed them to crush my heart into a million pieces. I mean, it wasn't rocket science that it was going to happen, now was it? I saw it coming and I even made some meek attempts to stop it. I even tried to discuss the emotional risks with the "other man". What a stupid notion, though. The notion that you can talk to a love-starved, horny man about how people might feel later. Penises do not have the ability to see, hear, or reason about the present, much less the future.

See, I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot for thinking that Mr. Ex could ever parent with me when he hates me for cheating on him, knows how much I got hurt in the process, and loves to beat me up with it. I'm an idiot for ever letting myself get hurt like that. I knew better. I try to tell myself that it was what was necessary to give me the courage to finally end it. That it was the only way I could see enough light to find my way out. I still think this is true, but every time he attacks it stings for days - that must mean something. It probably means that at some level I think I deserve it. (Hey, that may be a break through, huh?)

O.K., enough of processing this. I'm still faithful to my diet and have not been eating anything off the program nor drinking a drop of alcohol. That bottle of Champagne would be sweet right now! But I'll feel better about myself if I stay on course. It is time to take care of me, and I think I will have to force myself to push through this pain without the aid of a drink. My size six (er, o.k., maybe size 8) jeans will look great... eventually.

Happy New Year, again. Please have a drink for me. I could really use one.

Happy New Year!

Holy Cow.  If I include my old blog, which is long gone, this is my third New Year's Eve post!  Where has the time gone?

I'm wondering who in the heck was at the  blogger get together in Chicago, because they are not writing about it!  Hmmmm.  Something smells fishy here!

I almost jumped on a flight to Chicago, but a couple of road blocks stopped me.  First, I accidentally deleted the email from Southwest Airlines that had the new code number for my flight vouchers I earned at Midway Airport last year.  You may recall, I let two flights leave without me in exchange for two five-hundred dollar vouchers.  I still have over half of the credit left, so I was going to blow it on the blogger event this year.  Well, I forgot to call during normal business hours, so I missed that opportunity.

Good thing, though.  I had procrastinated with my school work, so I spent that travel day doing school work.  Ugh.  Responsible behavior can really put a cramp in your jet-setting style!

The kids got home in the wee hours this morning.  San Diego got fogged in and their flight was cancelled.  This resulted in their dad renting a car and driving here.  They all arrived at 3:00am. Mr. Ex is beside himself.  I don't think he could get rid of the girls fast enough!  They were hell on wheels during the trip.  There's some deep psychological stuff there.  I've got a lot of work cut out for me.

My two usually perfect girls were a couple of wild ass, misbehaving, God knows whats on the cruise.  Their behavior sounds like two complete strangers to me.  I think it may be the father- daughter relationship gone bad, but whatever it is, or their future health I need to get it dealt with.

Their father is shocked and disappointed, and of course, he will never look at, nor understand what role he may have played in all of it.  I guess if I were to look at this as a win-lose game between the girls and their dad, the girls would say they "won".

Unfortunately, everyone lost.  

***This post was interrupted by a series of phone calls that were less than pleasant on this sunny morning.  Watch how fast things can change.***

Today Mr. Ex is on the attack.  Everything is my fault again.  Implied:  I'm doing a terrible job raising them.  Stated explicitly:  "They are all you have left, and you know it.  Did you think of the kids when you ran off to Boston to your boyfriend?  What do you have now, huh?  How did all that work out for you?"

We can't discuss how the kids need him in their lives and that it would be helpful if he could prioritize them more, see them more, etc.  We can't figure out how to work with a therapist and them, in spite of the distance between us.

It has nothing to do with how he got a new girlfriend, with kids the same age as our kids, a former neighbor, two days after the divorce.  That he tried to invite them into that mess two weeks after the divorce.  That he dumped her for the current girlfriend and has been living with her...  No.  It has nothing to do with his girls feeling abandoned by their father.  

Blah, blah, blah...

The three phone calls this morning where he brow beat me like he always did when we were married were painful.  They were horrific.  No wonder I'm not married to him anymore.

Right now I'm pissed off at life in general.  My kids have disappointed me.  My life is a big, fat, empty black hole of hard work.  I just work and work and work and never feel like I'm getting ahead.  My relationships with men have made me damaged goods.  I've been abused, abandoned, abandoned, oh, did I say abandoned?, to the extent that the thought of a healthy, safe relationship sounds impossible.

Therapy, you say?  Well, that's work.  I'm tired of working.  But I'll try it with the kids.  For them I will work.  For me?  I don't really give a crap.  I sort of just want to lay down and die right now.

Sorry for being a bummer.  I hope I feel better later today, but it will be a challenge.  I have to deliver consequences - which will create conflict and misery around my house.

I really just want to lay down and die, instead.

I'd call a "friend", but they abandoned me, too.  My "friend" that I met in Boston when I blew my marriage it's fatal blow decided that our "friendship" wasn't worth the cost.  After all, his family needed him.  Can't argue with that, I guess.  I just wish that revelation had come before I remembered what loving someone felt like.  It would hurt a hell of a lot less.  For a short time I could see a light out of the darkness.  Then it went out, and right now it feels darker than ever.  It probably would have been better to have just stayed in the dark.

My "friend" for 15 years from work decided that she could be "friends" with both Mr. Ex and me.  That doesn't work for me - sorry.  I can not trust anyone that knows how he really treated me and can still consider him friend-worthy.

My "friends" all sided with Mr. Ex.  After all, I was the heathen that had an affair.  He was only an emotionally abusive asshole.  Those types of abusers don't leave bruises you can see, but they leave scars.  Big, giant, miserable scars.  No, they are better described as wounds that just don't heal because the scabs just keep getting picked at. Like today.

All but one friend from before the divorce remains.  Thank God for her.

I sort of don't want friends anymore.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.  See?  I'm damaged goods.  I just need to get these kids raised - then I think I'll call it quits.  Usually people say life is too short.  Today it feels like life is too damn long.

Happy New Year to us all.

Peace on earth, Goodwill toward...

The phone call came.

The phone rang Saturday morning at 1:30am.  

At first I didn't hear it because I unplugged the old 2.4 GHz telephone on my night stand and did not replace it.  Did you know that 2.4GHz phones use the same frequency as WI-FI?  Yeah.  That was one of the many silver bullets splattered all over my house when the Qwest guys couldn't figure out why I couldn't consistently load error free pages on any of the computers in the house, in spite of their instruments showing that there were no data transmission errors coming into my house.  How that particular bullet helped with the problem when the modem was plugged directly into the back of any of the computers (not using WI-FI) I still don't understand.  

But I digress...

Thing One called me in tears.  She was banished to the stateroom by everyone in the family AND the "nurse" from the cruise ship.  Apparently she had some flu-like symptoms and not surprisingly, the nurse covered her cruise ship ass by recommending a quarantine.  Duh.  What moron called the nurse in the first place?  Oh yes, it was Mr. Moron himself, Mr. Ex.

Thing One probably knew what the problem was.  After all, I hear she was out until 6am (unacceptable, so who is in charge out there??).  Like her rebel mother, Thing One did not comply with the quarantine.  Shit, she didn't fight like hell to get this cruise to happen so that she would be banished to a stateroom!  Screw the rest of the passengers (who likely were AT NO RISK at all!).  It's not like they are going to refund the trip and let her enjoy it later!

Her "loving" (NOT) grandmother (Mr. Ex's evil mother) threatened to "report her to the cruise authorities".  Honestly, my Ex and his idiot family REALLY think that those cruise ship people give a crap?

The girls had been fighting, there was even a fist fight (doesn't happen on my watch - I'd kick both their asses), there was drama...  and of course Thing One needed to hear my voice.

Crap.  This was not a problem to deal with at $2.50 per minute.

Yesterday there were a couple of emails exchanged between Mr. Ex and me (who fully blames Thing 1), and I sent a couple to Things 1 and 2.   I gave them the 'ol "big picture" lecture.  You know, the one where I remind them that you need to support, accept and love your family.   That in the end they are the ones that you will have - especially after your parents are gone. And that at least with your family you pretty much know what you are getting... That life is too short to spend precious times together fighting... blah, blah, blah.

Did I hear anything back from anyone?  Of course not.  They successfully interrupted my Zen with their drama, and when it got resolved they moved on to have fun, leaving me completely out of the loop.  I sent Mr. Ex and email to make sure everyone was o.k.  He finally replied late last night to tell me all was great and there would great pictures to share.

Golly, thanks, asshole.

What a bunch of assholes.

What's really sad is that they all, including Mr. Ex, need to have me involved to resolve their drama.  Geeze.

So now I need to get back into my peaceful groove.  I only get 2.5 more days of peace on my earth.  Sorry, I've got no Goodwill to offer men at the moment.

Merry Christmas from Bubbles (updated with some tunes!)

This video only plays one of my favorite seasonal tunes.  How the heck to you get music to play on your blog?

Merry Christmas from Bubbles! My photo for the holidays is me at around age 3, maybe four. I guess I've always had trust issues!!

I have tried to post and read other bloggers but my Qwest high speed Internet hasn't been. High speed, that is. After at least six phone calls, escalating the problem up the chain of command, and four visits from technicians, I hope the problem is resolved. For awhile it felt like Groundhog Day each time I called in. Each time we had to go through the process of proving I'm not some stupid user, or that my router is whacked, or that I have a computer virus, or that it is the Macs fault, or the PC's fault, or whatever.

Now that they have switched everything - including the cables, the modem, and the switch location in the main box, I hope that I have a stable connection!

The three Things left for their vacation with their dad on Sunday. At first I was feeling pretty sad, especially since Thing 1 and I had a big fight the night before they left. It's pretty unusual for us to fight, and this was a big one. Lots of things were said and done that were regrettable. Thankfully, before they actually sailed off to Mexico she and I were able to put closure on it.

Now that they have been gone for a couple of days I'm enjoying my time alone. I purchased some firewood and I light a fire every night. It's been cold and wet, so the fire feels pretty good. I haven't cleaned as much as I would like, but I still have plenty of time and energy to get more done. I already feel more organized.

I haven't been alone since summer 2006 after my mom died. That is the last ime that all three kids were gone with their dad at one time. That week was unusual, though. I was in a bit of a daze, exhausted, and of course, very, very sad. This time I'm loving my independence. I'm sleeping very well, and feeling great.

My diet is a roaring success! I've lost about 17 pounds so far. I feel great and am looking pretty good, as well! I'll post more about this diet soon. It's a rapid loss program, so I think the biggest challenge will be keeping the weight off. Luckily I have sound knowledge and experience with Weight Watcher's maintenance program, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to manage well after the program is over in mid-January. I can't wait to see what happened to my cholesterol and glucose. Both were looking pretty bad before the weight loss.

The hardest, and probably most beneficial part of the program has been eliminating alcohol from my diet. I sure miss my afternoon Happy Hour! I didn't have an withdrawal symptoms, but I sure wish I could have a beverage as the sun goes down.

My current drink of choice is Perrier or Pelligrino. I serve it up in a really nice wine class when I feel the need. I've learned that I simply love drinks with bubbles! I drink them fast and I drink them in volume. Some Guy definitely picked the right nickname for me.

I'll look forward to February when I will open a very nice bottle of my real favorite Perrier - Laurent Perrier Champagne. Ummmm. All good things are worth waiting for!

I hear the weather is bad all across the country. Where ever you are, I hope that your Christmas Eve is warm, peaceful and that you have loved ones close by. I'll be thinking about you, perhaps even catching up on your blogs, as I enjoy my fire and Perrier tonight.

Merry Christmas!

Gifts Found!

I was shopping today, and thanks to a suggestion by Sans, I had a brain storm and found gifts for Mr. Ex and my Ex-Mother-in-Law for the kids to give to them on the cruise next week.

I wanted it to be very much like the children did it and I think these will do beautifully! Hopefully the Things will choose some great pictures to load up on them, and its done!

I found them at Sam's for a decent price, and it is done. Nothing worse than buying an obligatory gift... but it's for my kids.

I wonder which picture of me they would want? Hmmm. Maybe something of this nature is a better choice.

Maybe too subtle?

Gift Ideas?

I'm supposed to be working on my school work. Ninety minutes have passed and I have yet to log into school. Damn blogs. Why do 'yall have to be so fun and interesting to read, anyway?

The garage is clean, clean, clean; but only half of the floor has the epoxy coating. It was too busy and / or too cold to do the other half. Then the rain was coming so I moved all the (organized) crap back in to the unfinished side while the finished side dries.

The house is a disaster; however, the kids leave on the 20th and I can scour the place with no one but the animals to mess it up behind me.

I realized that I have to take the kids shopping for Christmas presents for their dad and grandmother to take on the cruise. Ugh. Has to be packable and not terribly expensive. I'd like to wrap up some dog poop in a beautiful gift bag. Lord knows we have plenty of that around here. But I'll be a grown up about it. Besides, it would stink up the kids clothes.

Any gift ideas???

Now I MUST go start my classwork. The course ends at midnight tonight and I haven't even started it yet.

I Graduated! later edited with "things"...

I received my first Professional Certificate from Cornell! Human Resources studies - yawn, but useful. They do things good! The certificate came pressed in a solid wood plaque - no framing necessary, thank-you very much!

I'm two classes into the Change Leadership program with four more to go. Then I'm done. I'd recommend the programs, for sure - but I'm done.

I'm looking for a job. Yeah, that's my outstanding timing for you - looking for a job in this market. Bad timing. No wonder I have three kids.

I'm in debt up to my eyebrows so I feel a little stressed - but I'm keeping the faith.

My kids are going on a cruise with their dad and grandmother for Christmas. It will be the first time in three years that I will be alone, except for the week my mother died in 2006 - which is just a blur in my mind. I plan to get a massage, have my nails done, clean my house completely, continue on my much needed diet, and relax. I'm also considering remodeling my bathroom - but haven't decided to commit to that much yet.

On the diet subject, I'm trying something very new and different. I won't go into it until I know it is successful - just to save myself the embarrassment. Let's just say it is expensive and strange. I'm desperate at this point. I'm heavier than I've ever been. It's time to deal with this, damn it.

Thanksgiving was great. My pumpkin cheesecake was a delicious as ever this year. Ahem, that was before my diet.

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I started this post a long time ago. Now it is December 9. The time just marches on... or is it sprinting along?

I have so little to post about that isn't just darn mundane. I mean, when you don't post for awhile you feel pressure to post something worth reading! Oh well, I'm trying!

I've been cleaning the garage. By cleaning I mean CLEANING. I have cleared everything out and have been hanging those racks that hang from the ceiling for storage. I also put up shelves and I plan to epoxy the floor, if I can beat the rain that is expected this weekend.

Cleaning the garage is one of the final chapters of dealing with all the "things" that have been haunting me for over three years. I posted about the "thing" phenomenon in the very beginning of my old blog, which is gone. That's where I concluded the only "things" that really mattered to me were my kids, who where from then on lovingly known as Things 1, 2, and 3.

I got more than 50% of the "things" when I divorced in 2005. It cost me nearly $15k to move the "things" here, only to have a huge number of items broken and damaged.

Then my house couldn't hold all the "things", so I moved some stuff over to my mom's house since she hadn't really settled in her house yet. She sold most of the furnishings with her old house on the lake, but she had a lot of old "things", too.

Then mom died. Lord. Not only did I have to take a bunch of "things" back, but I got more. Thank heavens my brother was there to work on the "things" because I was unable to deal with the stuff as fast as he was. In fact, I'm just able to deal with what I had put in the garage in 2006.

Two weeks ago I had a garage sale. After the sale I had the salvation army come and they took a huge amount of stuff, but not enough. The guy that came said he didn't have enough room on the truck. I also rented a dumpster.

I threw a lot of stuff away. It felt bad and good at the same time. There were toys that didn't sell in the sale that my little ones played with. I had to throw the very first baby toy I ever bought for Thing 1. Each toss felt a little melancholy - yet liberating at the same time. I just kept telling myself a couple of things that kept me going:

1. The stuff will be gone, not the memories.

2. Out of sight, out of mind.

I was able to sell enough "things" in the garage sale to pay for the dumpster. I filled the whole thing! I trimmed all the trees on the property and the kids helped by hauling all the trimmings to the dumpster. Talk about teamwork.

I still need to get rid of the crib. Yes, the crib. I hauled that silly thing all over since the kids stopped using it. I even sent it via UPS from Connecticut after the divorce because I forgot to get stuff out of the attic before the moving truck left.

The crib was a special "thing" to me because my dad bought it for Thing 1 when I was pregnant. Dad died before she was born.

I always thought that I would pass the crib on to the kids - but it is time to let it go. It takes up space and it isn't my dad - it is a "thing". The crib has become an albatross. It was soaked in the flood in 2007, it has been in my way.

The salvation army wouldn't take the crib because I set it up for the garage sale and they wanted it broken down, so I'm putting it on Craig's list - probably for free. I hope some needy family gets it and loves it for their new baby. It is beautiful and needs more use.

The last of the "things" that I must handle are related to my mom. I have several unfinished antique quilt tops that she loved. I don't quilt, but my mom would want me to have them finished. Actually, when I saw the medium in 2006 the medium told me that my mom wanted me to get the quilts finished - and the medium didn't even know that my mom was dead, much less a quilter! Freaky, huh?

Then there are the few "things" I saved for my sister. The longer time passes the less I think she would even care if she gets them. Furthermore, I saved a bunch of cast iron pans and roasters for her... the freight on that stuff will be insane! Hopefully she will read this post and tell me what she wants me to do.

I have to get the baby chicks out of the garage an into their pen, but I still have to build the pen. Ugh. I might have to put them in the shed temporarily.

There are a few more albatross out there, but I'm getting closer every day. My goal is to have two cars in the wickedly clean garage, and a place for everything and everything in its place.

With a few more days of hard work and some tight reins on my emotions my "Things" will be dealt with. I still have four or five more courses to take and I'll graduate again.

Time is sprinting along.