Ahhh... Silence

I don't mean to be insensitive, but this guy's commercials drove me crazy! The yelling, the yelling, the yelling! Oy.

I hope he rests in peace.

Quietly.

Is this the beginning of the end?

Warning: This ain't no cheerful post - proceed at your own risk.

Don't take my title too seriously. I'm in the inevitable funk.

Thing is, I've hit a big wall.

My vacation was wonderful. I love to see my kids grow. They are wonderful people, and great travelers. The scenery we saw, and the stuff we did was great. I hope that they will always remember the trip. However, it is hard. It's hard to be responsible and leading the good time all alone. I did a great job, but I would have loved to have a friend along to share the load.

On my trip home I decided on a book title, that God willing, will be changed by a publisher. The title is: Social Networks: One woman's adventure in time travel. I've got it in me, but Thing 1 says it won't ever happen - because she says I always put them first.

Mr. Ex has been pulling his typical misery creating bullshit. I try to be tough, but truth is I'm breaking. He has always had radar for finding a way to make anything bad for me worse. Now is no exception. The details? Not exciting - just that he figured out that if he maximizes any deductions from gross income he can get the garnishment for alimony to exceed the maximum of 60% allowable by law. So far he has come up with deductions that are reducing alimony payments by over $200 per month. May not sound like much to you, but for us it is a grocery bill. While he is building up a big tax refund and buying stocks, we have even less cash than before - and believe me, we can't really live on what he sends - I've just been playing a giant financial shell game for a few years. I need to be working, and the current market sucks for someone that was performing "Community Service and Property Management" since 2001. (Not a bad resume label for being a stay at home. DYI genius, huh? - well, it ain't working.)

I thought I could put a lien on Mr. Ex's tax refund (which will exceed $10k when he files next April), but because the decree calls it alimony (done for tax purposes), I can not use the child support enforcement processes in place between the federal and state governments. Fuck. What the hell does alimony do? Yeah, it supports children.

Meanwhile cash flow sucks, any investments I have left are still worth shit, and I don't get interviewed, much less hired - for what I'm qualified to do and damn good at.

I'm sick of broken water softeners, water heaters, pool crap... negotiating with repair people, replacing tires, getting oil changes. I'm sick of plain old life right now. So much bullshit.

Yes, intellectually I know that this will pass. Emotionally, it's tough. I swirl in feelings of anger, resentment, hate, sorrow, regret, more anger, more regret. Fuck.

I also need to finally realize that my hopes and dreams are a bunch of crap. I hate to admit that I was wrong, but I guess I am - or if I'm right, it doesn't matter anyway. I've always held out hope that my Mr. Whatif would wake up and see that his life can be better and he can still meet his obligations. I have been ready to forgive, forget the pain, and embrace the magic that was our connection. (Sorry if that is too sappy, stupid, or unrealistic for anyone - but it is my pathetic truth.) I followed my heart, believed in my instinct, and even recognized that he need to wait for his child to become an adult. His mom and my mom gave me "thumbs up" about our connection when I went to the medium a few years back.

My hopes are dead. He won't see it. His preference is living in punishment and guilt, and won't see that he is better off if he moves toward light. I can't change that, nor should I have to.

I don't have the energy to build new hopes right now. Truth is, I am raising my kids and loving every minute of watching them become wonderful human beings. I'll be here until they are all out on their own. But truth is... I only stay here for them. I'm too tired to dream or wish anymore. Most days, once I've done what my kids need from me, I don't give a rats ass about life. I have trouble moving. I have trouble... with anything.

Throughout my life I have struggled with the "why". Why do we exist? I used to stick around because I felt I was here for my parents - and now they are gone. Now I exist because my children need me - but that time is fading quickly, and so am I.

It's not that I'm suicidal, it is that I just don't see the point of being a strong person anymore. I feel used up, old, abused, abandoned, and tired. I don't feel like looking for a partner. I don't like much of the choices, and let's face it - an almost 50 year old woman with three kids, no matter how attractive and "well preserved", isn't in any more demand out there than someone that has "Community Service and Real Estate Management" on their resume for an 8 year stretch.

Hey, I told you it was a funk!

I love whoever reads this blog. Thanks.

We're outta here... soon

There's a reason we don't go anywhere much. There are four dogs, five cats, two parakeets, and 49 chickens that need care.

But we're going a couple of places this summer anyway.

At the end of the week three out of the four of us are headed to Colorado. I love Colorado and I love the mountains. A friend has a big house near Estes Park that has some availability and very affordable, so two of my offspring and I are going to take a few days to cool off. Except... the weather here has been unseasonably cool, so I guess we are just going to get away.

I used to have friends in Colorado. I had a close friend that lived in Castle Rock. She and I worked together for 12 years and knew each other for a couple of years before that - roughly 20 years. We were both married young, were married forever before we had kids, had kids around the same ages, etc. But last summer Mr. Ex proudly told me that he had been invited to visit their home to go skiing. Actually, it was the friend's husband that invited him, but the thought of them staying friends with him, much less entertaining he and a new woman in their home, made me sick. I figured if they could stay friends with someone that treated me the way Mr. Ex treated had treated me... I wrote them off. I figured that if Mr. Ex got custody of everyone else (except my BFF Peg), he might was well take the friends that I made for us through my work. They can have the asshole if they think he's worth it.

But I digress with my bitterness... please forgive me.

I also have old friends from high school in Colorado, but last time I went through town I received a cold response to my phone calls. I don't have thick enough skin to feel that way again. I figure if someone from my past wants to see me they can make the effort. I'm not putting myself out there right now.

So, we have some hiking and fishing on our agenda! I think it will be great. Originally I was going to trailer the ATV's, but since Thing 1 needs to stay home to work, I think I'd be taking on too much for just me and the younger two to handle. It's amazing how much easier it is to do stuff with my 17 year old by my side. This will be good practice for when she heads off to college, I guess.

Thing 1 will be in charge of the homestead, with the watchful eyes of my family that live nearby. Fortunately, my brother lives down the road, and I'm certain that he will keep an eye for her safety. I think she will have a party, which is fine with me because I'm sure that she will keep things in control. Besides, I'll feel good knowing that she has some big, strong, muscular lifeguard friends around to protect her from ... oh, never mind.

I'll be getting ready for the trip this week. If anyone from Colorado would like to join me for a glass of wine next week, drop me an email! I'd love to have a little adult company during my trip!

I Love My Blog, in spite of my absence.

I'm sure I have only few valued readers left.  Sorry about that, folks!

I love the blog.  I miss the blog.  The blog has served my life well.  

I have made friends - both virtual and "real".

I have processed a lot of life.  At a time when I needed to let it out, to process my thoughts and feelings, I found a place that was better than a journal.  It has feedback!  I love the feedback.  

I miss reading and writing the blog.  I'll be back.  I'll start now.

Today I spent the entire day re-working my resume.  I did the whole damn thing from scratch, and I think the result is pretty damn good.  I have a couple of job leads to pursue tomorrow, obtained through visiting a networking meeting a couple of weeks ago.  Next I want to build a website that has my resume.

Tonight I spent a long time in the hot tub with Thing 2.  She's a great kid.  In spite of being the kid that tested me, she and I are connected again.  I'm so happy about that.  She has a beautiful spirit and wonderful disposition.  What a year we had!  Missing on a Sunday morning, missing on the cruise ship with dad in charge, mono, pneumonia, and a broken arm...  and we have come out of it connected.

My mom told me that I was lucky.  She told me that having two daughters meant that I could have given birth to my best friend.  In my case, I got a double.  My girls are amazing young women.  They are strong, have solid character, and give love with abandon!  They each have vastly different dispositions, yet I can relate to both!  One is intense.  That's me.  One is laid back.  That's me, too!  Depends on the situation with me - cause I have learned with time.  I look forward to watching them mature.  

Another subject...

Yesterday I found two CD's.  They are the contents of my archives of emails when I was developing and dealing with an Internet relationship with Mr. What Might Have Been (Mr. WMHB).  

I have not looked at the CD's, but I remember the time well.  I thought they were gone forever!  I honestly thought Mr. Ex found them and took them during the divorce.

I remember archiving the contents because I felt they had good material for a novel.  It had drama and modern intensity.  I still feel that way.  

The best thing is that I am ready to read them without pain.  For so long I hurt.  I longed for the connection with my old love, and I am certain if I had read the old emails it would have caused intense pain.  I still wish I was at least friends with Mr. WMHB, but it seems he will never need or want to connect with me again.  I will deal with it, stupid and it is.  His loss (but you are still welcome any time, Mr. WMHB, please keep stopping by!! ;-) )

Today I'm stronger and tougher.  I'm ready.  I think I might try writing that book.  From what I hear on the street about Facebook and how it is having impact on people's lives, the topic is market ready.

What do you think, my few readers?  I wonder if I have the patience and conviction to write it all in its detailed glory?  I tend to be more of a visionary, and need a minion to do my legwork.

Hmmmm.  

This is what is going on.