Is this the beginning of the end?

Warning: This ain't no cheerful post - proceed at your own risk.

Don't take my title too seriously. I'm in the inevitable funk.

Thing is, I've hit a big wall.

My vacation was wonderful. I love to see my kids grow. They are wonderful people, and great travelers. The scenery we saw, and the stuff we did was great. I hope that they will always remember the trip. However, it is hard. It's hard to be responsible and leading the good time all alone. I did a great job, but I would have loved to have a friend along to share the load.

On my trip home I decided on a book title, that God willing, will be changed by a publisher. The title is: Social Networks: One woman's adventure in time travel. I've got it in me, but Thing 1 says it won't ever happen - because she says I always put them first.

Mr. Ex has been pulling his typical misery creating bullshit. I try to be tough, but truth is I'm breaking. He has always had radar for finding a way to make anything bad for me worse. Now is no exception. The details? Not exciting - just that he figured out that if he maximizes any deductions from gross income he can get the garnishment for alimony to exceed the maximum of 60% allowable by law. So far he has come up with deductions that are reducing alimony payments by over $200 per month. May not sound like much to you, but for us it is a grocery bill. While he is building up a big tax refund and buying stocks, we have even less cash than before - and believe me, we can't really live on what he sends - I've just been playing a giant financial shell game for a few years. I need to be working, and the current market sucks for someone that was performing "Community Service and Property Management" since 2001. (Not a bad resume label for being a stay at home. DYI genius, huh? - well, it ain't working.)

I thought I could put a lien on Mr. Ex's tax refund (which will exceed $10k when he files next April), but because the decree calls it alimony (done for tax purposes), I can not use the child support enforcement processes in place between the federal and state governments. Fuck. What the hell does alimony do? Yeah, it supports children.

Meanwhile cash flow sucks, any investments I have left are still worth shit, and I don't get interviewed, much less hired - for what I'm qualified to do and damn good at.

I'm sick of broken water softeners, water heaters, pool crap... negotiating with repair people, replacing tires, getting oil changes. I'm sick of plain old life right now. So much bullshit.

Yes, intellectually I know that this will pass. Emotionally, it's tough. I swirl in feelings of anger, resentment, hate, sorrow, regret, more anger, more regret. Fuck.

I also need to finally realize that my hopes and dreams are a bunch of crap. I hate to admit that I was wrong, but I guess I am - or if I'm right, it doesn't matter anyway. I've always held out hope that my Mr. Whatif would wake up and see that his life can be better and he can still meet his obligations. I have been ready to forgive, forget the pain, and embrace the magic that was our connection. (Sorry if that is too sappy, stupid, or unrealistic for anyone - but it is my pathetic truth.) I followed my heart, believed in my instinct, and even recognized that he need to wait for his child to become an adult. His mom and my mom gave me "thumbs up" about our connection when I went to the medium a few years back.

My hopes are dead. He won't see it. His preference is living in punishment and guilt, and won't see that he is better off if he moves toward light. I can't change that, nor should I have to.

I don't have the energy to build new hopes right now. Truth is, I am raising my kids and loving every minute of watching them become wonderful human beings. I'll be here until they are all out on their own. But truth is... I only stay here for them. I'm too tired to dream or wish anymore. Most days, once I've done what my kids need from me, I don't give a rats ass about life. I have trouble moving. I have trouble... with anything.

Throughout my life I have struggled with the "why". Why do we exist? I used to stick around because I felt I was here for my parents - and now they are gone. Now I exist because my children need me - but that time is fading quickly, and so am I.

It's not that I'm suicidal, it is that I just don't see the point of being a strong person anymore. I feel used up, old, abused, abandoned, and tired. I don't feel like looking for a partner. I don't like much of the choices, and let's face it - an almost 50 year old woman with three kids, no matter how attractive and "well preserved", isn't in any more demand out there than someone that has "Community Service and Real Estate Management" on their resume for an 8 year stretch.

Hey, I told you it was a funk!

I love whoever reads this blog. Thanks.