I'm off the edge ... for now

Man, what a shitty day.

I spent a long time discussing things like boundaries, privacy, values, respect, what and who our choices in behavior reflect. Ugh. I'm exhausted.

I explained to my daughters that I wanted nothing left to assumption or doubt. Here is where I stand, here is what I believe, and if you choose otherwise with your life it is your business and I'll love you regardless. I'm a mom and my love is unconditional.

However, if you choose to to behave in a way that varies from where I typically stand, remember that you might not be able to get as much support from me, I might not be able to defend or protect you, and that you might very well be on your own with a great deal of personal responsibility to deal with. Get it?

Of course there was lots more with more specifics, but I made sure that I was crystal clear about where I stand. How I define "relationship", "dating", "respect", "healthy"... blah, blah, blah. Other miscellaneous points: Never lie about your age - no excuses. If you are associating with people that gossip and speak about information that you believe should remain private, stop associating pronto. If they talk about others, they'll talk about you. You can not trust people immediately, they should earn it.

I think my 14 year old actually appreciated it. She shared some perspectives about what she experienced on the cruise, and she seem relieved to have an adult she can rely upon to clearly describe boundaries, etc. I put Ms. 14 year old to work babysitting for someone tonight. In my mind, get busy and be productive.

My 16 year old is struggling. She is very angry because I refused to let her go to her best friend's birthday party, which is also a New Year's Eve party and has guests that my daughter really likes. It is an overnight deal because the mom lets the kids have drinks. (I know, I know, not cool for many people - but it has always been well supervised and within reason, in my opinion.) Anyway, she isn't going and she's pissed. She's also passed out asleep on a living room chair. Did I mention she's sleep deprived?

We went to the doctor today because I've been worried about Thing 1, anyway. She is too stressed and it is obviously taking its toll. She looks exhausted because she hasn't slept in about three days. She drove over half of the way from San Diego so that her dad could sleep, and they arrived here at about 3:00 a.m. Something is gonna break and I wanted some outside perspective.

The doctor listened and confirmed what I had thought. Thing One is growing into adulthood and is trying to carry too much adult baggage along the way. She is a perfectionist to begin with, has always been the "model kid", perfect in every way. It has become too big a burden to carry, and I understand that. Part of it is that the divorce was ugly and not handled well by either of the "adults", myself included. Yep. I admit it and I'll admit it to everyone. All of this adult baggage problem was aggravated by Mr. Ex not being an adult while they were on that cruise ship. It made Thing One almost crazy and she went bananas responding to rumors she was hearing about her little sister. Meanwhile she herself was hanging out with young, horny, asshole guys...

Realistically, Mr. Ex has very little leverage. It's easy for me to deliver consequences since I parent full-time. I also know exactly where to deliver. Mr. Ex has no control, how can he discipline effectively. That's the only break I'll give him, however.

Mr. Ex has also failed to earn his kids' respect. They came home with dozens of examples where they were embarrassed by his behavior or annoyed by his stupid habits. It is sort of funny because I recognized them as they said them. I just had to sit and smile.

My girls have told me a lot in the past 12 hours. I'm exhausted. I'm also feeling pretty good about how I'm handling it with them. However, I'm not feeling all that great about life. I'm emotionally exhausted. Not on the edge of doom, but sitting on the observation bench and trying to process how to move on, and hopefully I'll step further and further back from the edge. Hell, I might as well say probably. After all, I have these three kids to raise. I'll suck it up and move on - it's what I do.

Parenting is not easy. Parenting teenagers is not easy. Parenting alone is not easy. Parenting with an ex-spouse whose head is consistently up his ass is the worst. I remember being certain that my kids would be better off far away from their father. There were many, many people that judged me harshly for that. Many of those "lost friends" were people that thought I was a horrible person - first for the affair, then for taking my kids so far from their father. I have questioned my decision many times over the last few years. I mean, how could so many judgemental assholes be wrong?

Based on this cruise and the fallout, I know I was right. The cost has been great to enjoy the space between Mr. Ex and us. It is not ideal to be raised without your father nearby. But it is also not ideal to be consistently exposed to a parent that has the judgement of a brick and the brains of an earthworm. Worse yet is to have a father that is so emotionally broken that he does damage to anyone that gets in his path - even the ones he says he loves the most.

What I need to figure out now is why after all these years and all this time he can still cut my heart out, put in on the floor, and squash it. Why it feels like daggers when he changes the subject from finding a way to best help our children to how I'm to blame and that the "facts" are that I'm ... well, you know an unfaithful slut and an heathen.

It's not like this is new, right? I've been blogging about this for over two years. WTF? Whenever it hurts like it does I fill up with self-loathing. I can't stand myself for letting him get to me. I can't stand that he is right about how I let someone into my life while I was married and allowed them to crush my heart into a million pieces. I mean, it wasn't rocket science that it was going to happen, now was it? I saw it coming and I even made some meek attempts to stop it. I even tried to discuss the emotional risks with the "other man". What a stupid notion, though. The notion that you can talk to a love-starved, horny man about how people might feel later. Penises do not have the ability to see, hear, or reason about the present, much less the future.

See, I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot for thinking that Mr. Ex could ever parent with me when he hates me for cheating on him, knows how much I got hurt in the process, and loves to beat me up with it. I'm an idiot for ever letting myself get hurt like that. I knew better. I try to tell myself that it was what was necessary to give me the courage to finally end it. That it was the only way I could see enough light to find my way out. I still think this is true, but every time he attacks it stings for days - that must mean something. It probably means that at some level I think I deserve it. (Hey, that may be a break through, huh?)

O.K., enough of processing this. I'm still faithful to my diet and have not been eating anything off the program nor drinking a drop of alcohol. That bottle of Champagne would be sweet right now! But I'll feel better about myself if I stay on course. It is time to take care of me, and I think I will have to force myself to push through this pain without the aid of a drink. My size six (er, o.k., maybe size 8) jeans will look great... eventually.

Happy New Year, again. Please have a drink for me. I could really use one.