My second born, Thing 2, turned 16 years old, about 18 minutes ago.
It was a wonderful day. I have such pleasant memories.
I'm struggling with where my life has come.
Remember when you wished your life away? You wanted to be nine. You wanted to be 12. You wanted to be 16, 18, 21...
Somewhere in there, there was a period that there was no thought about age. I don't remember it, I think I was too busy working hard.
Now, I've come to a time where I'm not sure how to feel! There are several ways for me to look at this...
On the one hand I want time to stop. I know how precious time is. When I look back I feel I've missed so much. My little girls - now they are women. My little boy is rapidly becoming a man. What happened? Time has to stop so I don't miss another moment of this life.
On another hand... I want time to go back. A mother holds that baby in the middle of the night. It cries, it won't stop crying, and mom wants to go to sleep. That's reality. But now... I want to go back, I want time to stop. I want to comfort that baby. I know so much more now, and I want to tell that baby that life is tough, life will always be this way, but I'll be here. I'm here now, I'll be there as long as I can, and PLEEEEEEZE go to sleep. THEN, I want to smell that baby's head. Again, again, and again. I want to hold that baby and see that miracle in my arms. I want to see it again. I want to smell it again. Let me go back.
Then another hand... I want time to move forward. I want to be responsible for ONLY ME. I want to live in an apartment - small, cozy, comfy. I want to come and go as I please. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel like I should do more. I don't want to worry (like that will ever happen again!).
BUT then, I start wishing time away! I can't wait to watch my daughters grow babies in their own bodies. I can't wait hold those babies and smell their sweet little heads. I can't wait to see those babies smile, walk, talk, and even hear them cry.
BUT, I don't want to be old! I don't want my body to change. I don't want to slow down. I don't want to be less attractive to men! I don't want to be a cliche! Ugh.
Can't fight it. Just can't fight it. Accept. That is what we must do. We can't change the past. We must do our best today, and hope for tomorrow.
SIXTEEN F'ing years ago my SECOND child was born.
It passed by in a flash, but try to tell that to a 15 year old!
That's all I've got tonight, but it feels pretty significant.
Peace.
They built that. We watched.
8 years ago
I been feeling the same way lately. I look at the strange dark man sprawled across the sofa, all zits and hairy legs, and wonder how
ReplyDeletethis man came to be part of the family. What happened to that teeny little baby with the curly blond hair?
I used to think, during those times my tiny baby was inconsolable, what if there was a button that a parent could push, that would just put a child in suspended animation long enough for the parent to catch 40 winks, to calm down and regroup. Would I use it? If I used it too often, would I end up a seventy year-old trying to raise a toddler? Half an hour here, twenty minutes there, it all adds up.
Happy Birthday to Thing 2. God, she'll never know as much, or as little, as she does now.
Happy Birthday Thing 2!
ReplyDeleteBubbles, like a fine champagne, you will only get better with age. You will always be beautiful to me, as I squint through my varifocals!
Luv ya!
You are still plenty attractive chica, and try as you might, those kids will always be a marker of time that goes by.
ReplyDeleteThis is the time to reflect on the old saying...the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world. Wallace had it right in that poem.
ReplyDeleteHappy belated birthday to Thing 2, and you are a wonderful vibrant woman and age is just a number.
I found you from Sans Pantaloons. I love your site. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!
ReplyDeleteHope you had a great Birthday Bubbles!
ReplyDelete