I think this is it

I have loved blogging. I have met wonderful people, both virtually and physically. Actually, I think that my blogroll may have saved me during some very troubling times. I have found that the ability to write about what is going on inside me has been very healing. Then, the kindness and advice from the good people that have commented has often been a lifeline for me. It is pretty ironic that I got to blogging by following my Mr. What-if here, who is on most of your blogrolls, in fact. He's gone, and you all saved me. Life's ironies continue to amaze me.





I'd like to apologize for the depressing nature of my recent posts. I wish I could say I'll do better, but I think it will be a while before things brighten up.





Recently I posted about how I'm going to be completely alone on Thanksgiving. As many people may have predicted, it has caused a ridiculous family uproar. Somehow, my being sad that I will be alone, me venting about all of the childhood baggage that it stirred up inside me, and my supposedly twisted perception of the past created a family hoopla. My sister-in-law now thinks I don't like her. My brother is "keeping his distance" (a wonderful solution - abandon your sister who has abandonment issues), and my niece (and perhaps my sister, Doad) feel caught in the middle of the mess.





So, I opened my heart and soul up, allowed my family so peak inside, and I am now the family pariah. Fuck.





I've made this mistake over and over in my life, so why am I surprised?





Anyway, between my family rejecting me, the County is continuing to breathe down my neck, my not being able to find a job (more on that in a moment)... even I'm sick of my drama. I'm embarrassed to blog about my life, it is just such a freaking mess. I feel pathetic, and I don't do pathetic very well.





My kids continue to amaze me with their strength, their loving nature, their resilience, and brilliance. I have been blessed. The one and only dream I had as a child was to grow up, have a few kids, and a white picket fence type family. Now that I'm all grown up I have learned that the white picket fence type family is a tough one, but I got the kids. In the end, they are the dream come true. Thank God for them. If not for them, I don't know how I'd have the conviction to move forward.





On the job front, well... nothing. This is tough for a woman that used to measure her self worth by the number of promotions she earned and the dollars she brought home to spend. I never dreamed getting back to work would be so difficult. I applied for a cashier position at the local beverage establishment. I figured it would get me out there, and the discount on beverages would be a nice (and likely valuable, given my volume) perk. I figured they would be thrilled to have someone of my caliber. Wrong. First, the establishment eliminated me from the candidate pool just from reading my application (over qualified). Next, I walked in and I talked the manager into giving me an interview - just for holiday staff / part-time. I interviewed the next day with the wine manager. She made it sound like it was a done deal - just fill out the paperwork, they'd send it to the Home Office, and I would be called to get started. Guess what? They haven't called me back! I'm going to follow up, of course; as soon as I know I have the emotional strength to handle rejection, in case it comes to that. Honestly, I'm not sure I can take anymore rejection.





I blew off the County hearing regarding the problems on my property. I sent them a letter, told them I'm not healthy, I have no money for representation or property modifications, and that I was throwing myself on the mercy of the court when it comes to that. They threaten me with fines of $750 per day (since August 2007) and criminal charges. All for a wall that saved my neighbor's home from flood damage back in 2007. Figure that one out! Then, last week, that same neighbors' kid had a teen party where a gun was fired! My kids were outside! Holy crap! That wall may have to come down, but it will be over my dead body. It may have saved one of my kids or one of my animals from a stray bullet.





Freaking stupid desert rat people. This isn't the God Damned Wild West. Put your f'ing weed away and clean up over there. Shit.





I was starting to cope with all of this better and better, though. I realized that I was feeling worse and worse, so I got some help from my doctor. It worked! I was working on projects again, finishing up some loose ends on old stuff mostly. I had energy. I was moving forward and starting to feel better. I checked out how close I am to qualifying to take the CPA exam. I'm only 6 credits away, and I may even be able to replace the requirement with years of work experience! I figure there is always a market for bean counters, even though I thought those days were behind me. How could an MBA with a CPA not get a job that will support a family with three kids in college, right?





Then it all fell into pieces. I found out that my sister-in-law was devastated by my blog post and that my brother was not speaking with me. I find it almost amusing that I'm going to be completely alone on Thanksgiving, my brother's family will together, surrounded by family and friends, and I'm the bad guy because I'm feel sad. WTF? So, for survival purposes, I've decided that I'd rather be alone on Thanksgiving and make myself feel good about it, than have a battle with other people about who is the bigger victim. Shit, how stupid. The bigger victim? There's a role no one should want to fight for! So they win. I'm the shithead and they are my victims. Another option: It's all my dead Mom's fault. There. Done.





Here's what my life feels like. It feels like I'm a rat in a maze. I run down one path and hit a wall. I get back up, I turn, brush off, and run another direction. Walls, I keep hitting walls. Each time I hit one I injure myself a bit more. I'm running out of energy and I'm limping along. Fucking maze. I just want out of the fucking maze.





I've decided that I had better not blog anymore. I probably put myself out there too much. I do that all the time. I need to learn from my mistakes and stop letting people see so much of what is inside of me.





I can not stop reading your blogs, though. You are my friends. With few exceptions, my only friends. (God, I really am pathetic, huh?). I'll read and I'll comment on your blogs, if you don't mind. I just need to close up shop until I can post about my happy life and my new job. Otherwise this blog is just too depressing for all of us.





Thanks for reading, thanks for the comments, thanks for the support, thanks for the memories, and thanks to all that have had me on your blogroll. It has been an honor, and a fabulous lifeline.





Email me any time. It would be great to hear from you. Bubblesmail@qwest.net





Bye.





XXXO