Holiday bitters so early this year?

I'm starting my holiday pitty party early so that it will be over before it ruins my holidays completely. I found out recently that Thanksgiving is going to be a bust for me.

Mr. Ex is taking the kids (with his mother, again, because she pays for a lot of it) skiing in Utah. It was Thing 1's idea, and I think it is great that they spend time with their dad.

Thanksgiving has always been a holiday that I remember spending with my brother and his family. That was because it was the only holiday they would ever share with us after my brother married, and I was young - maybe 7 or 8 years old. Because my sister-in-law's mother was much older than my parents, my sister-in-law pretty much made it clear that Christmas with our family was OUT of the picture. The reason I always heard was that her mom wouldn't live as long as my parents would. So, after my brother married I remember only one Christmas that we ever had as a complete family again. But our side got Thanksgiving. It was something, anyway.

So every year we had turkey, usually prepared by my mom. It meant a great deal to her, especially since in her young adult life she was the hub for family holidays, especially Christmas. She and her sister would work together and make every Christmas a big family deal. I know those days meant a lot to mom. Her sister was her best friend and the two of them made family Christmas special.

Sadly, my mom's sister, and her best friend, died when she was 32 years young. Not long after that my brother married, and mixed in there somewhere my sister ran away from home at 16. For mom Christmas just was never the same. Thus, it was never the same for me, either. Not that it was bad, but it was never the same as before. Mom missed her son and expressed it, and I'm sure she missed her sister, which she did not express, and my sister was rarely around, either. Thanksgiving was the big one, and Christmas we went through he motions, pretty much. As a kid I felt it the most, I think. The others were all older and had their memories, but they were so, so faint for me. For me it was a real loss, and the principal reason I was given was about was my sister-in-law's mother and her old age.

So when the kids decided to leave me for Thanksgiving I thought it wouldn't be a big deal at all. I figured I'd still go to my brother's house like we have our traditional Thanksgiving, like every year since we moved here, and most years I can ever remember.

Wrong.

I found out last weekend, when I went out with my niece, that their entire family is leaving for the holiday. Apparently my sister-in-law's mother, the one that was not going to be around as long as my parents (not), is having her 100th birthday celebration that weekend.

Special. Very f'ing special.

Forgive my bitterness, please. My sister in law actually stops by here from time to time, and I hope she will forgive me, too. But I'm bitter. I'm God Damned human, I have feelings, and I feel bitter.

We gave up family Christmas because this woman was not going to out live my parents. Well, that assumption was wrong. She did. She out lived my parents. My parents are gone, she is here, and I still feel like my holidays are being fucked with.

We created a Thanksgiving tradition. But not this year, because she is here and she's 100 years old. Fucking ironic, isn't it?

So I'm having my pitty party a little early this year so that by the time the holidays roll around I can enjoy myself. I'll do something. But for now I'm feeling that old familiar feeling of abandonment. I know it isn't about me, I know it isn't personally about me, but I know how I feel. Fucking abandonment. I hate it. I'm pissed off, and I'm bitter.

My kids leaving is one thing. I expect that. But the other stuff feels like shit - probably because it is emotional crap leftover from childhood and stirring that shit up just isn't worth it. Why did this have to happen to rub my nose in all of that again? Ugh. You have no idea how I could go on and on here - that's how deep the cut feels.

I'll be fine by Thanksgiving, though. I'll be all alone here in the stupid desert. Maybe I'll go to the shelter and serve food to the homeless. I hear a good way to deal with bad feelings is to be of service.

One thing I will NOT do is go out for dinner. Mr. Ex and I did that one year for some reason and I remember it being very, very depressing. I'd rather eat an Oscar Meyer turkey sandwich!

Wish me luck neutralizing these bitters. Any suggestions are welcome!