Happy New Year!

Holy Cow.  If I include my old blog, which is long gone, this is my third New Year's Eve post!  Where has the time gone?

I'm wondering who in the heck was at the  blogger get together in Chicago, because they are not writing about it!  Hmmmm.  Something smells fishy here!

I almost jumped on a flight to Chicago, but a couple of road blocks stopped me.  First, I accidentally deleted the email from Southwest Airlines that had the new code number for my flight vouchers I earned at Midway Airport last year.  You may recall, I let two flights leave without me in exchange for two five-hundred dollar vouchers.  I still have over half of the credit left, so I was going to blow it on the blogger event this year.  Well, I forgot to call during normal business hours, so I missed that opportunity.

Good thing, though.  I had procrastinated with my school work, so I spent that travel day doing school work.  Ugh.  Responsible behavior can really put a cramp in your jet-setting style!

The kids got home in the wee hours this morning.  San Diego got fogged in and their flight was cancelled.  This resulted in their dad renting a car and driving here.  They all arrived at 3:00am. Mr. Ex is beside himself.  I don't think he could get rid of the girls fast enough!  They were hell on wheels during the trip.  There's some deep psychological stuff there.  I've got a lot of work cut out for me.

My two usually perfect girls were a couple of wild ass, misbehaving, God knows whats on the cruise.  Their behavior sounds like two complete strangers to me.  I think it may be the father- daughter relationship gone bad, but whatever it is, or their future health I need to get it dealt with.

Their father is shocked and disappointed, and of course, he will never look at, nor understand what role he may have played in all of it.  I guess if I were to look at this as a win-lose game between the girls and their dad, the girls would say they "won".

Unfortunately, everyone lost.  

***This post was interrupted by a series of phone calls that were less than pleasant on this sunny morning.  Watch how fast things can change.***

Today Mr. Ex is on the attack.  Everything is my fault again.  Implied:  I'm doing a terrible job raising them.  Stated explicitly:  "They are all you have left, and you know it.  Did you think of the kids when you ran off to Boston to your boyfriend?  What do you have now, huh?  How did all that work out for you?"

We can't discuss how the kids need him in their lives and that it would be helpful if he could prioritize them more, see them more, etc.  We can't figure out how to work with a therapist and them, in spite of the distance between us.

It has nothing to do with how he got a new girlfriend, with kids the same age as our kids, a former neighbor, two days after the divorce.  That he tried to invite them into that mess two weeks after the divorce.  That he dumped her for the current girlfriend and has been living with her...  No.  It has nothing to do with his girls feeling abandoned by their father.  

Blah, blah, blah...

The three phone calls this morning where he brow beat me like he always did when we were married were painful.  They were horrific.  No wonder I'm not married to him anymore.

Right now I'm pissed off at life in general.  My kids have disappointed me.  My life is a big, fat, empty black hole of hard work.  I just work and work and work and never feel like I'm getting ahead.  My relationships with men have made me damaged goods.  I've been abused, abandoned, abandoned, oh, did I say abandoned?, to the extent that the thought of a healthy, safe relationship sounds impossible.

Therapy, you say?  Well, that's work.  I'm tired of working.  But I'll try it with the kids.  For them I will work.  For me?  I don't really give a crap.  I sort of just want to lay down and die right now.

Sorry for being a bummer.  I hope I feel better later today, but it will be a challenge.  I have to deliver consequences - which will create conflict and misery around my house.

I really just want to lay down and die, instead.

I'd call a "friend", but they abandoned me, too.  My "friend" that I met in Boston when I blew my marriage it's fatal blow decided that our "friendship" wasn't worth the cost.  After all, his family needed him.  Can't argue with that, I guess.  I just wish that revelation had come before I remembered what loving someone felt like.  It would hurt a hell of a lot less.  For a short time I could see a light out of the darkness.  Then it went out, and right now it feels darker than ever.  It probably would have been better to have just stayed in the dark.

My "friend" for 15 years from work decided that she could be "friends" with both Mr. Ex and me.  That doesn't work for me - sorry.  I can not trust anyone that knows how he really treated me and can still consider him friend-worthy.

My "friends" all sided with Mr. Ex.  After all, I was the heathen that had an affair.  He was only an emotionally abusive asshole.  Those types of abusers don't leave bruises you can see, but they leave scars.  Big, giant, miserable scars.  No, they are better described as wounds that just don't heal because the scabs just keep getting picked at. Like today.

All but one friend from before the divorce remains.  Thank God for her.

I sort of don't want friends anymore.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.  See?  I'm damaged goods.  I just need to get these kids raised - then I think I'll call it quits.  Usually people say life is too short.  Today it feels like life is too damn long.

Happy New Year to us all.